This is my box

Naturally like most days that I was bored and remembered that I had a blog, I went to make a post. Like most blogging days I was getting ready to share with you an updated history of my disease. But I scanned through the blog history first and realized that all I was doing was repeating myself over and over again. Just a sad three year history of misery. All I was doing was letting the disease describe me. So I deleted three years worth of post. Of course I took all those post and backed them up on a disk. They are all there if anyone needs to read them. But I believed it had been a few years since I had published that blog to the public anyway, so its prolly been a while since anyone read them. There is not really a need unless you feel you might be getting sick or know someone who is sick.

So lets get started.....
My name is Connie Sue Feldman and I don't live in your box. I live in my box. You can choose to join me, or simply box it up beside me. I can only tell you what I have and not what I don't have. because if I don't have it, then I must not need it, or simply never thought of it. I can't tell you about something I never had.

This year on June the 14th I will be 29 years old. This age is the most important age a person shall ever have. It is the year before 30, so your not 30 and its not 31 so your not in your 30's. You are still in your 20's, even though its your late 20's. I am married to my husband of 6 years this year on September 25th 2011. We were married 30 minutes from our current house on the beach in 2005. What do I remember about that day? That day for the first time and the last time, my immediate family came together........ and noone got a dang picture of that. Someone forgot sleeping grandma in the house. But someone who was trying to take a picture of our rings got a shot that looks like I'm trying to flash my boobs. And I have to explain that picture every time someone looks at the photo album....... And I married my best friend. We live in our third place, 2nd house, in a small town in between two large citys, at the beach , 2 miles from the ocean, maybe 4 in North Carolina. Its a small home, and it could never be any more perfect. It hasn't failed us yet. It seems to heal itself when damage occurs. With its swing size front porch, Driveway sized front lawn. and a back yard perfect for a privacy fence if anyone would like to do that for us, that would be great. We own three dogs. Poco, who is older than our Marriage and most days I really haven't clue what she is doing because she finds something to get under and sleep the day away. Melvin, who was my christmas present in 2006, and when he pooped in our hand, I knew he was our dog. He is the middle child and shows his syndrome well. Then there is Lucy, the unplanned child. Someone came into my office one day with a free Pekineses Shitzu. Got home that day and told mike the story. We were bored so we set out to visit the dog (I knew the owner). and Somehow came home with her. All intentions of finding her a new home, that never happened. Every time she looks at me, she breaks my heart. I have a sister , a brother inlaw and a niece. Whom I get to see not as often as I like. She too gives way to her humble family life, and for the first time in a long time, I feel and see the peace in her heart. My best friend of 17 years lives 2 hours away, and if it were up to us we would be neighbors. If something happens she is on the list to be the first to know, even if its a text, and she to does the same. From her we have 3 god children, in which I got to see the last ones birth. And though noone will ever know what this means, I once called her crying, in uncontrollable sobs, in a matter in which I had to deal with. He reply was " its ok Connie, Ill always be your best friend even if you are addicted to drugs". and even though there was a "what the hell moment", It was the nicest bestest thing my best friend ever said to me. because I knew she ment it with all her heart. So you can imagine that my box is so full and yet I am ok for more to join me. I'm now in college and hope to have a psychology degree when I am finished. So far I am an "A" student, maybe more of a high B, Darn that Art lady. So I don't have time to fit in anyone else's box and be who they want me to be. I have severe UC Crohns Disease. The incurable crappy disease. Literally Crappy. And the medications to manage that disease really did a number on me. Even though I myself couldn't share those pains and feeling with my loved ones, they were there holding my hands on the bad days. There was my Support friends who were who were with me in Spirit, (Karen and Angie). Who did have the disease and gave me a place to go to and talk about it, and ask questions, and share weird things. You get your wires and your tubes and you bottles of medications. you get you routeens, your hundred doctor visits. but the best thing about the rest of you, is that I still get to be me. and its ok to freak out and loose your mind every once in a while. So I deleted my past and I get to start over everyday when I get up. But I did save one thing. After every post I ever made, I made a quote and I wanted to save all of those for you and me too.

" god grant me the serenity to except the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

"When we think of failure, failure will be ours. if we remain undecided then nothing will ever change. All we have to do is want to achieve something great, and then its actually possible."

"strength and growth only come from continuous effort and struggle"

"The most important friend you can have is that one that will be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in our hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, and face with us our reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

"There are things Known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception"

"Pain is temporary, It may last a minute, an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take it place. If I quit, however, it will last forever."- Lance Armstrong

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

As change rolls through my life, I realize my battle is not yet won. My glass of wine is for another day.

The quote, " I wondered if i was seeing the same things through my eyes, that the rest of world was seeing through theirs. maybe I had a glitch in my brain" was true.

"Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that its time to get up"

" We are shaped by our thoughts, We become what we think. When the mind is pure, Joy follows like a shadow that never leaves"- Buddha