Who am I

Psychology is what I aspire to learn the most about. To be able to counsel those who struggle with the question, “who am I”. When I hear those words it only makes me think of someone who is seeking to identify themselves, and the problem with that is we are most likely to find ourselves to be quite fragile. People always want to answer with where they came from, what they have done thus far. We shouldn’t be answering who we are, but “what we can be”. I am proud that 10 years ago I swore I couldn’t go to college because I would struggle and most likely fail, only to prove myself wrong. So far I have been an Honor student and on the Deans list. Not only did I prove myself wrong, but I did this at probably the worst time in my life. I am proud that I now know without a dought that I don’t need to make my decisions based on making others happy, that I need to be happy first. I am proud that at a difficult place in my marriage that I chose God and my husband, rather than my family and friends who kept saying divorce. I am proud that I never viewed looks as important, and I almost think it was a gift knowing that In my lifetime I would lose my hair. I am proud that I never want to take the easy way out and let someone do things for me, that I aspire to do all things myself. I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. I do not believe in sadness at death. A poem by Williams Wordsworth says “Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind;”. I am a great painter even though I am my own worst critic. I am the best organizer I know and a little label happy. I always find a reason to reach out and speak to someone even when others find it eccentric. I am a great sister, as I took care and was there for my brothers the best way I knew how. Are we merely the sum of things we do? Our existence is not that there is so little, but so much. I find it impossible to answer this question. This is the idea that our life is based on the idea that we know we do, but what about the things that we don’t know we have done. We affect persons and things in our everyday life. Sometimes we can unknowingly help someone all the time. I believe that we have many selves. Politicians, professional athletes and actors are all famous for having public and private personas, just as we are too. Is it not easier to act a certain way around your in-laws and a different way around your friends? It simply makes life easier. As for self-esteem, my understanding is that it is less important to have high self-esteem than it is to simply experience self-acceptance based as little on conventional ideas of what is 'acceptable' as possible. Self Concept is simply the perception that we have of ourselves, while self esteem is the idea of his or herself own worth. For example a person with anorexia may have a self concept that they are thin and beautiful, but their over all self esteem can encompass their emotions and ideas. They can think they are unworthy of anything, that the more they eat the fatter they get, thus endangering themselves. It depends on what you believe in to determine what affects Self esteem. Behaviorist would say that environment would have a lot to do with it. How did you grow up, was the person abused, was the person simply anti social. There are many aspects that can determine a person self worth. Just one bad relationship can lead to low self esteem. I believe that Americans are equal in high and low self esteem. Americans also have more mental illnesses than most third world countries. Take anorexia again. As American watch television and read magazines about beauty and style. Where image is to be a certain way, a third world country may be just looking to have food that day. Which brings me back to the point that self image has so much to do with environment.

This is my box

Naturally like most days that I was bored and remembered that I had a blog, I went to make a post. Like most blogging days I was getting ready to share with you an updated history of my disease. But I scanned through the blog history first and realized that all I was doing was repeating myself over and over again. Just a sad three year history of misery. All I was doing was letting the disease describe me. So I deleted three years worth of post. Of course I took all those post and backed them up on a disk. They are all there if anyone needs to read them. But I believed it had been a few years since I had published that blog to the public anyway, so its prolly been a while since anyone read them. There is not really a need unless you feel you might be getting sick or know someone who is sick.

So lets get started.....
My name is Connie Sue Feldman and I don't live in your box. I live in my box. You can choose to join me, or simply box it up beside me. I can only tell you what I have and not what I don't have. because if I don't have it, then I must not need it, or simply never thought of it. I can't tell you about something I never had.

This year on June the 14th I will be 29 years old. This age is the most important age a person shall ever have. It is the year before 30, so your not 30 and its not 31 so your not in your 30's. You are still in your 20's, even though its your late 20's. I am married to my husband of 6 years this year on September 25th 2011. We were married 30 minutes from our current house on the beach in 2005. What do I remember about that day? That day for the first time and the last time, my immediate family came together........ and noone got a dang picture of that. Someone forgot sleeping grandma in the house. But someone who was trying to take a picture of our rings got a shot that looks like I'm trying to flash my boobs. And I have to explain that picture every time someone looks at the photo album....... And I married my best friend. We live in our third place, 2nd house, in a small town in between two large citys, at the beach , 2 miles from the ocean, maybe 4 in North Carolina. Its a small home, and it could never be any more perfect. It hasn't failed us yet. It seems to heal itself when damage occurs. With its swing size front porch, Driveway sized front lawn. and a back yard perfect for a privacy fence if anyone would like to do that for us, that would be great. We own three dogs. Poco, who is older than our Marriage and most days I really haven't clue what she is doing because she finds something to get under and sleep the day away. Melvin, who was my christmas present in 2006, and when he pooped in our hand, I knew he was our dog. He is the middle child and shows his syndrome well. Then there is Lucy, the unplanned child. Someone came into my office one day with a free Pekineses Shitzu. Got home that day and told mike the story. We were bored so we set out to visit the dog (I knew the owner). and Somehow came home with her. All intentions of finding her a new home, that never happened. Every time she looks at me, she breaks my heart. I have a sister , a brother inlaw and a niece. Whom I get to see not as often as I like. She too gives way to her humble family life, and for the first time in a long time, I feel and see the peace in her heart. My best friend of 17 years lives 2 hours away, and if it were up to us we would be neighbors. If something happens she is on the list to be the first to know, even if its a text, and she to does the same. From her we have 3 god children, in which I got to see the last ones birth. And though noone will ever know what this means, I once called her crying, in uncontrollable sobs, in a matter in which I had to deal with. He reply was " its ok Connie, Ill always be your best friend even if you are addicted to drugs". and even though there was a "what the hell moment", It was the nicest bestest thing my best friend ever said to me. because I knew she ment it with all her heart. So you can imagine that my box is so full and yet I am ok for more to join me. I'm now in college and hope to have a psychology degree when I am finished. So far I am an "A" student, maybe more of a high B, Darn that Art lady. So I don't have time to fit in anyone else's box and be who they want me to be. I have severe UC Crohns Disease. The incurable crappy disease. Literally Crappy. And the medications to manage that disease really did a number on me. Even though I myself couldn't share those pains and feeling with my loved ones, they were there holding my hands on the bad days. There was my Support friends who were who were with me in Spirit, (Karen and Angie). Who did have the disease and gave me a place to go to and talk about it, and ask questions, and share weird things. You get your wires and your tubes and you bottles of medications. you get you routeens, your hundred doctor visits. but the best thing about the rest of you, is that I still get to be me. and its ok to freak out and loose your mind every once in a while. So I deleted my past and I get to start over everyday when I get up. But I did save one thing. After every post I ever made, I made a quote and I wanted to save all of those for you and me too.

" god grant me the serenity to except the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

"When we think of failure, failure will be ours. if we remain undecided then nothing will ever change. All we have to do is want to achieve something great, and then its actually possible."

"strength and growth only come from continuous effort and struggle"

"The most important friend you can have is that one that will be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in our hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, and face with us our reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

"There are things Known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception"

"Pain is temporary, It may last a minute, an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take it place. If I quit, however, it will last forever."- Lance Armstrong

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

As change rolls through my life, I realize my battle is not yet won. My glass of wine is for another day.

The quote, " I wondered if i was seeing the same things through my eyes, that the rest of world was seeing through theirs. maybe I had a glitch in my brain" was true.

"Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that its time to get up"

" We are shaped by our thoughts, We become what we think. When the mind is pure, Joy follows like a shadow that never leaves"- Buddha